Six Years Without You

Trigger Warning; Baby Loss

It frightens me that it has now been six years without my baby boy. It was six years ago when I last held him in my arms for those very brief moments. How has it been six years since I last heard his voice? That tiny cry he made when entering the world. 

‘I will never be that old me again, but that’s ok, as that me didn’t know love like this could exist.’ – Zoe-Clarke Coates, The Baby Loss Guide. 

Although it really does feel like such a long time, I feel like it was just yesterday.

Six years ago, I was so naive that I didn’t ever think that I could ever feel any grief. Sometimes, I think back and don’t think I even know that person anymore. 

It is always the ‘what ifs’ that get to me. If he had been here he would have been in Year 1 at school. Whenever I walk Aazeen to school, my eyes linger off to the children of Year 1. I just can’t stop myself from wondering of what could have been.

How it would have been like chasing after and getting two children ready for school instead of just one.

People say time heal all wounds but I have found that this statement isn’t true at all. In fact it doesn’t heal your wounds, you just have to learn to live with it.

I have spoken extensively about my baby loss journey on here. However, I don’t think I have ever gone into detail about Aahil’s diagnoses.

Sharing something I shared on my Instagram for Heart Awareness Month in February.

What happened?

‘More than 6000 babies are born with a Congenital Heart uuuDisease (CHD) in the U.K each year.

There are many different types of CHD which is a heart condition that develops in the womb, before a baby is born. 

My son had a form of CHD called Pulmonary Atresia. 

‘Pulmonary atresia is a condition where blood cannot flow between the right pumping chamber (right ventricle) into the lungs to pick up oxygen.’ 

We received this devastating news at Great Ormond St at 20 weeks. It was hard to believe that I was being told by leading cardiologists at one of the world’s best children’s hospitals, that there was nothing they can do. They had not seen anything like it before therefore had no treatment.

However, this is not the case for every baby. As there are certain treatments for Pulmonary Atresia but our reality was as such we were facing the most devastating kind.

Miraculously, at the 30 weeks scan, it appeared that small blood vessels had grown around the heart which were actually helping with the blood flow. Nothing like this was seen before but gave us that tiny glimmer of hope. 

We were referred to specialists to discuss the after care. But 5 days before that appointment, our little decided to make an appearance, 8 weeks early.

Whilst the Doctors thought he may not make it through birth, he lived for an hour and ten minutes. I asked them to do whatever they could to help him. But this also meant I couldn’t spend that precious hour with him either, the most difficult decision ever.

But he’s definitely my hero.’

I’m glad months like Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month exist. Yes, it shouldn’t be confined to just one month, as for us it is something to live with everyday. But to help spread awareness and highlight certain issues is so important. Usually, people really don’t know what to say or do and in the attempt to help their loved one they end up unknowingly hurting them further. So months like these are designed to help educate and inform.

You can read more about our journey in detail below.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

My thoughts and prayers are with all families that have had their lives changed due Pregnancy and Infant Loss.