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Snug in my leopard print woolly pyjamas, I could see Doctors gathered around my precious baby.
‘4lb 4oz’
I hear someone say, ‘that’s a good weight at just 32 weeks, we’ll be okay’ I think to myself.
Then all of a suddenly I find myself on the floor in the corner of the room watching them all put my little boy in an incubator and whisk him away.
I woke up with a start on Wednesday 7th October 2015 – I had just dreamt about giving birth at 32 weeks to my son. It was one of those dreams that just felt ever so real. I shook my head dismissing it as I was confident I wasn’t going to have him anytime soon, I was due in December and it was only just October, not possible at all.
I carried on with my everyday normal activities, it was a special day for celebrations, not only was it my brother’s birthday but in fact I had received my certificate for my Masters in Law degree – I couldn’t have been more happier.
Come Friday, I decided that I wanted to stay the night at my parents – I don’t know why but I just had this urge and so I did. I remember watching Watchdog with my dad that night which was all about the safety standards of baby car seats and so I sat there thinking when it would be appropriate to go and buy those big ticket items for my little one.
That night I went to sleep by my mum’s side, I just wanted to be a little girl again, without a worry in the world but in the safe haven of her own parents.
Several times during the night I woke up to go to the toilet as you do when you are heavily pregnant but around 4:30am, I got up and it felt as if though I had wet myself but the sensation was different.
To my horror, it was my waters and my mucus plug had also come away. This could not be happening. I was only 32 weeks pregnant. It was only October.
I woke my parents up and called the maternity unit who said that I had to come in straightaway.
Off I went to the hospital with my husband and sister in law in tow, not really knowing what to expect.
Upon reaching, I had all the usual checks done which confirmed that indeed my waters had broken. I was given the first set of steroids injection to help open up my baby’s lungs as he was going to be premature.
Then the waiting game began.
During the day, I had several baby doctors come to me to see how I was doing and whether I was fully aware of my baby’s condition repeating the fact that now that he’s going to be born prematurely it will make things quite difficult for him after birth.
Despite all the warnings, I decided to keep myself positive. Around 5pm on 9th October – the contractions finally started to kick in as I was shifted to a ward with other pregnant ladies.
As the hours went by the contractions increased in their intensity. I was given the second set of steroids and had an internal to see how much I was dilated – zilch! Not even in active labour. I heard the doctor talking to the midwife on duty that normally they’d send women home in my situation but obviously they can’t send me home.
My Mum came along and I asked for another internal after a few more hours as I was pretty sure I’d be dilated considering how intense and horrifying the pain was getting – still nothing.
‘Take some painkillers’ the Doctor suggested, ‘the baby is not coming tonight, you need to rest so you can push in the morning’
‘My Baby is coming tonight,’ I told her, I just had that feeling.
‘No he is not, you’re not even 1cm. It’s impossible.’ She rolled her eyes at me and walked away.
I told my mum to go home and rest and come back in the morning whilst my sister in law and husband stayed with me.
It had not even been 15 minutes since my mum had left and all of a suddenly I felt the urge to push – I didn’t think this was possible as I wasn’t even dilated.
My sister in law called out for the midwife who came running and the look on her face when she pulled the sheets up said it all. She could see my baby’s head. I was fully dilated. She rang the alarm bell and a sea of midwives ran towards me, some telling me to breathe and not to push yet, others frantically calling the delivery suite to see if there was a room available and some preparing sheets in case I had to end up giving birth right here on the labour ward amongst all these strangers.
‘Call Mum back,’ I ordered my sister in law as when you’re in pain or going through some thing so life changing all you want is your mummy no matter how old you are.
Finally, the delivery suite gave the midwives a green light and I was now being wheeled to the delivery suite, it really felt like a scene out of a movie. My Mum met me in the delivery room and I can’t remember how long later and he was out as everything just happened so quickly.
He didn’t cry, just made a cackling sound. They placed him on me and for a moment I completely forgot that we had only just stepped into the danger zone. The cord was cut and they took him to the other side of the room to do the checks, I could see the doctors shaking their heads at each other and then it hit me.
‘4lb 4oz’
One of the doctor weighing him said.
That’s a good weight, I thought to myself.
One of them came up to me and explained that his oxygen levels are not satisfactory enough and it’s best we should just hold him and spend time with him, however much time he had left.
‘If I feed him will that make him better?’ I naively asked to which the doctor shook his head. ‘Please do something, please save him, I beg you’ I begged them through tears.
The following decision was the most the difficult decision I have ever had to make in my life. All I wanted to do was just hold my little baby, cuddle him and just not let go but another part of me kept screaming ‘what if?’ What if they did try to help him and were successful?
The decision was made.
They got the incubator ready to shift him to the neonatal intensive care unit and gave him to me to hold. As I took hold of him, he opened his eyes and looked up at me. He really was the spitting image of his Daddy.
We kissed and cuddled him and with a great big heavy heart handed him over to the doctors and I watched them place him in the incubator and whisk him away from me. My husband and brother went along with them whilst my mum and sister in law stayed with me as I needed stitches.
I finally made my way to the neonatal unit but by that time, he had gone. I took him into my arms and held him ever so tight wondering why did it have to be this way – I looked down at my clothes, I was wearing the same leopard PJs I was wearing in the dream.
We all wish to achieve our dreams, for them to come true. However, that was one of those dreams that I never wanted to come true but it did.
*~*~*
Aahil was born on Saturday 10th October 2015 at 00:58am weighing 4lb 4oz and lived for a total of an hour and ten minutes.
I have written a letter to him this year which is up on the blog now.
Tonight is Wave of Light at 7pm – please do light a candle and let it burn for an hour in remembrance of all those precious babies gone too soon.
Thank you for joining me on this journey which began in April this year, I really appreciate your love and support.
Oh this is heart breaking. I feel so choked up. You have written this so beautifully and I wish I could find the words. How amazing that you are able to share your experience. I'm sure other women who have gone through some thing similar will find comfort in seeing you both love your departed baby but also finding the strength to continue to build your life. Sending hugs xx
Oh Soffy… I have no words. What a heart-breaking story. You did everything you could for Aahil and he was clearly a very loved little boy. I am deeply sorry for you loss x
What a heart-wrenching experience to go through … I hope you gain something from sharing this with is here. Sorry for your great loss. #BlogCrush
I am so deeply sorry for your great loss. Aahil, dear precious baby, you are greatly loved.
#BlogCrush
Sorry for you loss. Prayers and thanks for sharing. #BlogCrush
this is heartbreaking. You ae so brave to write it #blogcrush
This is so beautifully written Soffy , I hope that telling your story helps you a little . I'm sure it must help other people who've been through something similar #blogcrush
Oh Soffy, this is such a beautifully written post. I am so sorry for your loss and the heartbreak. Thank you so much for being so brave and sharing your story, I am sure this will help other women going through a similar experience <3 xx
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