Never did I ever think that I’d be writing a letter to someone living in heart. But here I am.
I cannot believe it has actually been three years since the last time I got to hold you, I remember those exact moments when you were born, when you opened your eyes in my arms proving all the doctors wrong that had said you wouldn’t even survive childbirth.
October 10th will always be a bittersweet day for me, it’s when you made me a mother for the very first time but left a great big unfixable hole in my heart.
How I wish everyday that you could have stayed. We would have created so many wonderful memories together, your first taste of solids, your first trip to the park, your first steps.. these are just a few of those things that I can only imagine how they would have been and have nothing physical to cherish.
Despite bearing the unfortunate news of your poorly little heart throughout my pregnancy with you, I can still say that I really enjoyed my time with you. The bond that we created in just 32 weeks is something that I can proudly smile upon, I never really knew that it was possible to love someone so much who you’d never actually met until you entered our lives for the very first time on Good Friday.
You became my strength from the very first moment I knew you were cooking away inside of me. I remember being in the middle of my masters at university and everyone worrying about how I was going to manage but I always knew that you were going to be my motivation and you really were.
You kept me company on those late quiet nights as I typed away for my dissertation, in fact I believe you were a great helping hand on me finishing it on time. I never wanted to get side tracked and for people to say that I lost my concentration because of you and you made sure I didn’t!
I didn’t want to attend my graduation ceremony which was just a month after you grew your angel wings. It was one of the difficult moments seeing everyone else in their element having the time of their lives and all I could think of was how this day would have been so different if you were here with me. But you know what? When I walked across that stage, that smile on my face was genuine and that was because of you – I reminded myself that you must be watching over me. I hope you were proud of me!
Thank you for sending down your little sister to take care of me – I cannot wait until she’s old enough to understand so I can talk to her about you. I know you are up there probably having a laugh whenever she sends me running round in circles and smiling away at her cheekiness. Whenever I look at her, I always wonder how you’re personality would have developed, how you would have been..
I didn’t want to attend my graduation ceremony which was just a month after you grew your angel wings. It was one of the difficult moments seeing everyone else in their element having the time of their lives and all I could think of was how this day would have been so different if you were here with me. But you know what? When I walked across that stage, that smile on my face was genuine and that was because of you – I reminded myself that you must be watching over me. I hope you were proud of me!
Thank you for sending down your little sister to take care of me – I cannot wait until she’s old enough to understand so I can talk to her about you. I know you are up there probably having a laugh whenever she sends me running round in circles and smiling away at her cheekiness. Whenever I look at her, I always wonder how you’re personality would have developed, how you would have been..
Although you were indeed an unexpected surprise for us, I am so very glad that I became pregnant with you at that time because it really was meant to be that way.
I am glad I got to hold you in my arms even if it was for less than a minute or so. I just want to let you know that I never wanted to let you go, I never wanted them to take you away, it was the most difficult decision that I ever had to make.
The Doctors were convinced you were not meant for this Earth but I didn’t want them to give up on you so easily. I didn’t want to be selfish and keep you with me and for them not to try and save you.
Just know that it was a very hard decision for your mummy.
But I am so very proud of you – you proved everyone wrong, when the Consultant told me at our meeting afterwards that you lived for an hour and ten minutes, I couldn’t have been more proud.
You proved them all wrong, you really did, you will always be my little fighter. I am happy that it was you who made me a mother, I am proud to call you my son.
Happy 3rd Birthday, Aahil, my little prince. Hope you’re having a fabulous party up there and don’t forget to save me a slice of your cake for when I get to hold you again.
Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxx
Oh Soffy, this post really touched my heart, it's such a beautiful letter, and I'm sure your gorgeous son would be so proud of you writing this letter. I'm sending you all the love in the world my darling.
Love, Amie ❤
The Curvaceous Vegan
This is touching and hope you son would have been proud.
Wow! So touching and moving! This is just too precious. I love your letter. Beautiful!
I am crying so much… dear Aahil, someday you and your mummy will meet again. #BlogCrush
This is such a beautiful and touching letter Soffy. I am sure Aahil is so proud of you. You are so brave and strong and he is most definitely smiling down on you all. Thank you for sharing lovely, sending you love and hugs <3 xx
Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com
I am sorry but I could not help but cry. Thanks for sharing! With lots of love, clementine.