This is something I don’t see many talk about and I really understand why. It’s because people are afraid of how they will come across and probably be labelled ungrateful – that’s how I felt and was made to feel by some.
Having gone through the most heartbreaking event of my life, burying my son, I longed to hold a baby that I could call mine and take care of and when I became pregnant with Little A, I just couldn’t be more happier.
But along with these feelings lay those emotions that you wouldn’t think would go through a pregnant woman’s mind.
G U I L T
Is it too soon? Should I be smiling and laughing? This is the feeling I know every mother during her rainbow pregnancy feels and it hurts. On the one hand, you are so happy to have been blessed with this pregnancy but on the other hand, you think about your angel baby and think to yourselves, how could you do this to them? How could you move on?
And when you think about the life in your womb, the vicious cycle of guilt goes round and round as you begin to feel guilty for feeling guilty.
Outsiders have the misconception that when a bereaved parent goes onto have another child, they have moved on now with their lives and the loss of their child is a thing of the past now.
That’s actually far from the truth. We don’t move on, I know I haven’t. There is always going to be a hole in my heart, I am always going to be endowed with thoughts of what could have been, there’s no escaping this.
W O R R Y
Whatever the circumstances surrounding the loss of a child – it becomes increasingly difficult to actually enjoy subsequent pregnancies. This is because you’ve seen the worst of situations and know what could happen.
I was happy to attend my 12 week scan but then it hit me there and then that there could still be something wrong with my baby but I wouldn’t know yet, I kept this to myself and smiled along with my husband.
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| Little A’s 20 week scan |
Despite having many scans to tell me that Little A was growing perfectly healthily, I still would think to myself – anything can happen, anything could go wrong, if not now then at the birth perhaps.
When I was pregnant with my angel son, I didn’t visit triage, not even once. But this time round, I have lost count.
Not much movement? Too much movement? Wetting myself – waters? Chest pain?I just want to say that I don’t regret visiting triage for the reasons above because when you are pregnant and have any doubts whatsoever, don’t think that it might be nothing and ignore it, pick up that phone and ask for professional advice.
U N G R A T E F U L
Many of the thoughts and feelings I found myself going through would definitely be labelled by some as me being ungrateful.
I didn’t want a boy – this is the first time I’m openly admitting this.
Surely, after everything I’ve been through all I should have cared about is having a healthy baby, no matter what the gender! But it wasn’t like that. I prayed and prayed for a daughter because I just couldn’t comprehend the thought as to whether I’d be able to love another little boy as much as I love my angel son. I am aware that even those parents who have been lucky enough to not lose a child have similar feelings until they go onto having that child but this seems never ending for me.
I still have these thoughts – I can’t ever imagine myself physically mothering a boy. If my angel son had been a girl then it would have been the other way round and I would have prayed for a son.
But it didn’t stop here..
When you’re having a baby, one of the most exciting moments are shopping for your little one, buying those big ticket items as well as those super cute little outfits. This was yet another conflict brewing inside of me.
We had a suitcase full of clothes that belonged to my son which he didn’t get to wear as well as his play gym. But I just couldn’t handle the thought of another baby in them, even if that baby was mine. Finally, finding the courage, I openly spoke to the husband about this but we didn’t see eye to eye.
I mentioned this to a ‘friend’ (note quotation marks) and was immediately shot down and given a lecture on how we should be grateful for what we have.. blah blah blah…
And it goes on.
No one should be judged at any stage of their lives, no one should have to justify the way they feel but unfortunately it is has become necessary to explain ourselves.
My whole purpose for writing this was to not only tell those parents that you are not alone in feeling the way you do, I do too and it’s normal. But to also highlight to others around them that just spare a thought for the bereaved pregnant woman sat beside you, she may be smiling but that doesn’t mean she’s not hurting.
Maybe be a listener for once and let her talk?
Our pregnancy announcement September 2016
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Thank you for reading.
Is there anything that you’d like to add?
I'm sorry for your loss and I don't think anyone ever gets over that. They just learn to live with it.
Your feelings are perfectly understandable. Sending hugs
I am so terribly sorry to have read about your loss. I am so thankful that you are putting your thoughts down in writing and letting people know. It's ok to have these kind of emotions. Hoping that this post will help others who are going through the same emotional roller-coaster #globalblogging
#dreamteam back from #globalblogging
What a beautiful post. I am so sorry that you had to go through loss and hope that this time brings a healthy baby into your home.
I recently listened to this podcast about losing a child and thought it might be helpful to you. It speaks a lot of the sadness that's mixed in with the happiness.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/04/podcasts/listen-to-dear-sugars-the-empty-chair-part-1.html
I am so sorry for your loss and honestly I had a huge knot in my tummy as I read this. I think you are entitled to feel whatever you feel having lost your child and I think it's so brave and honest that you have written this post. Thanks so much for sharing this with us at #coolmumclub x
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you are feeling. It is ok. #coolmumclub
So sorry for your loss and you should never feel guilty or ashamed of how you feel. Everyone deals with these situations differently. Stay strong Mumma and know you aren't alone. A beautiful blog ❤
Sending all the love *and cakes Soffy. It's very difficult when you have had a loss and all those feelings are swimming about. You did the right thing getting checked out at triage and anything that could have reassured you would have been so important. #BlogCrush xx
You are allowed to express your emotions and have every right to feel what you are feeling. It is incredibly brave of you to share your story with us. I am so sorry for your loss!!! #globalblogging
Oh Soffy, this is one of the hardest things I can imagine anyone having to go through. All the mixed up thoughts and hurt. I completely agree that it's so normal to have all these funny feelings, and women going through this should remember to never stop talking about how they feel. Thank you for sharing this with the #DreamTeam hon. xx
We could all be better at listening. I wonder if social media has something to do with the need to respond and voice an opinion all the time. It seems that the art of listening and companionable silence is dwindling. Your feelings are always valid <3 #BlogCrush
I'm sorry to read about your loss. In writing this I hope it has helped you and will help others. #CoolMumClub
Sorry to read of your loss. May reading this have helped and also help others #BlogCrush