As it’s World Breastfeeding Week, I thought it is about time that I spoke about this. If you’ve been following my blog from the beginning you will already be aware of our journey but if not you can read all about it here.
Due to our bitter beginning, I went onto become an infant feeding peer supporter, you can read about that here in order to help support other mothers as I didn’t get the support I had needed.
My goal for feeding A had always been 3 years . This is because my own Mum had fed me for 3.5 years so I at least wanted to get to the third year mark and of course after all the drama in the beginning, I wanted to continue on for as long as possible.
However, our breastfeeding journey came to an end in November 2019 at 33 months, just three months short of my goal of 3 years.
During the latter half of 2019, A only fed once a day, just before bedtime. Partly because she wasn’t interested during the day but mainly as I’d be at work all day. That feed was really something special for us, due to being at work all day, that was my time to bond uninterrupted with her.
There were some days in June 2019 she went without a feed or would refuse and I’d think that our journey is ending and I’d feel so confused on how to approach it – was it the end or just a phase? I spoke to my fellow peer supporters and realised it was a phase and told myself to just go with the flow.
But there came days, a couple of months later, when I’d offer her and she’d actually say ‘no thank you’ literally! There came to a point when I stopped offering and she stopped asking. I stopped because I thought that was the end of our journey, she was no longer interested.
I didn’t experience any difference physically but mentally I sure did. I kept questioning myself whether I should’ve kept going, should’ve kept offering even if she would have repeatedly said no. I actually felt a little sad on her third birthday as I thought I’d also be celebrating three years of feeding her.
Convincing myself that there was no point in pondering about the how, why and when and just be grateful for getting this far despite all the struggles in the beginning.
But it’s not that simple.
Breastfeeding causes a lot of hormonal changes and stopping breastfeeding does too. I still feel sad that our journey came to an end at 33 months, I know it’s probably considered a privilege to even get that far but that’s how I feel. I still feel guilt that I stopped offering even though I didn’t really want too.
And I guess this is why it has taken me nearly nine months to properly talk about it.
It’s hard especially when from time to time A has started to ask for feeds again, as I write this I’ve had her pester me for ‘mummy’s milk’ and it breaks my heart to have to explain to her I can’t.
I’m all dried up.
The first time she asked was around 2 months after her last feed and that felt like somebody had pushed me against a brick wall.
But I’m now taking the time out to read my notes from A’s first few months and keep telling myself that I should be proud of myself, I went against all odds and the wrong advice and got this far.
I am proud of both of us and even though I still feel emotional about it, I’m getting there. Although, the beginning was hard, it has been an incredible journey, that not only made me find my voice and my self confidence but my ground as a mother.
That’s really good, 33 months!
I breast fed mine until 2 years. old.