I put up a post on Instagram this week, motivated by @leosneonatal (on the gram) who has created #nicumentalhealthawareness week about how I felt and still feel about A’s neonatal journey. I received so much support and love that I’ve found myself wanting to write about it more.
This post wasn’t planned for this week at all but here I am!
A was born on 24th February 2017 at around 10:30am. She weighed 7lb 1 at 36 weeks – this is the weight of an average baby at full term. She was a big baby for her gestation due to the fact that I had gestational diabetes during the pregnancy.
During her immediate newborn check up straight after birth – the baby Doctor told us that her blood sugar levels were quite low and that she needed to be taken to the neonatal unit as she also required antibiotics as my waters had been broken for over 24 hours before she was actually born.
We dressed her and only got to have brief cuddles and then she was taken away.
That was the first blow to me, I was in tears – it was like reliving that moment when our son was born and taken away to NICU in 2015.
My husband felt the same too as he did the same walk to the exact same room where our son was for the tiny moments of his life – we had not in a million years thought that we would have to relive those moments again. Yes, those moments I replay in my mind quite often but to actually go through them step by step, was nothing but heartbreaking.
I was taken to the postnatal ward babyless amongst other mothers and their newborns that I tried very hard to ignore but could not.
I finally got to meet A exactly 12 hours after her birth, got to hold her whilst she was hooked up onto all different kinds of wires – this wasn’t what I had imagined our first few proper moments together to be like.
The next day, we received good news that she was going to the special care baby unit which meant that she we were getting close to bringing her home with us.
I was discharged from the postnatal ward but kindly given a bed in the neonatal unit because I wanted to breastfeed. I fed her during the day which would help her blood sugar levels. I was back and forth from the family room to her room throughout the day, it was as if though I was on some kind of an adrenaline rush.
Later that night, we were told that A had ended up with jaundice and were told that she would need some formula to prevent it from getting worse – we listened and agreed but was also told that I could still feed her during the night too.
However, then her cannula stopped working and had to be reinserted and I can still remember her cries – I’m personally petrified of cannulas as they during my labour mine also wouldn’t work and had to be reinserted many times so knowing the exact pain my baby was going through was just heart wrenching.
I then did her midnight feed and went to sleep. I set the alarm for her 4am feed and woke up but couldn’t move. I had lost control over my own body, moving even an inch was like as if though I’m being stabbed repeatedly.
I was too shy to call out for help as it was dark and I didn’t want to disturb the other mothers so I just lay there, praying for morning to come quickly.
That Sunday morning when the nurse did her rounds, she opened the curtains and saw me in tears, I explained to her what was happening and she gave me a hug and went to get R – since it was the breastfeeding room men weren’t allowed to stay.
Since I was discharged from the postnatal ward, there wasn’t anything that they could do to help and so I had to be wheelchaired to A&E where I was examined for spinal injury and luckily it wasn’t that – long story short, I was in excruciating pain and couldn’t walk for a month after. I was told by the Doctors that I needed to go home and rest – this was my nightmare coming true, I didn’t want to leave the hospital without A.
But I had no choice and I couldn’t even say goodbye.
A stayed in hospital for a further 2 days.
I still think about all of this, I had gotten my hopes up so high that this time round I’ll get my golden moments with my baby, that this time round I won’t be leaving the hospital empty handed – I tried to be as positive as possible for all that to come crashing down in the end.
Some people will think that I should just get over it, I should be grateful because my baby girl is happy and healthy at home with me and of course I am grateful, I don’t think there is anyone more grateful than a parent of a rainbow baby who has previously had to let a child go…
I think if we ever were to have another child then that pregnancy would be filled with worries of being separated at birth again. It’s just sad that something so beautiful as being pregnant and giving birth can come with sad memories too.
So that’s it, our small yet mentally draining and intense neonatal journey..
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